Travel Spam Jihad

I think it was Jack Tackle – one of North America’s most prolific alpinists – that said, “90% of alpine climbing is buying the plane ticket.” Well, the same seems true of large-radius-social-circle acquaintenances that want to fill my Inbox with garbage.

Why does travel draw people to a keyboard? Why does setting Birkenstock and backpack in a new land compel expression and ooh-aah self-realization? Typically EUStress, the finger-tapping phase of E-mail Update Syndrome, develops within hours of arrival in a foreign land. Symptoms usually include a heightened awareness of the immediate environment and the mistaken ability to see the meaning of life in every blade of grass or hostel hotbox. If only those incessantly-humming Tibetan monks knew that a 20-hour plane ride offered wonderland wormhole access to enlightenment.

It’s a Newtonian law that: “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction;” or between Protestants and Catholics: “what goes around comes around;” or better yet, the Satanic version: “if a man strike you on one cheek, SMITE him on the other.” So it goes with travel spam. I have receiveth. Now I shall sendeth.

Victims of EUS – although, it’s debatable who the victims really are – usually travel to southeast Asia; favorite destinations being Nepal, India, Thailand, or the most exotic, Australia. One of the first signs of heat stroke is decreased mental capacity, so it stands to reason that flaky attempts at epiphany would originate from hot climates. In addition to the heat, there’s the hippie element and, best of all, religion. Southeast Asia is home to Buddhism and Hinduism, two of the world’s great religions and two systems of thought that are partial to the hippie-preoccupied “go with the slow” movement.

As a travel spam jihadist, my location gives me a tactical advantage over the EUSers in Southeast Asia. This part of the world gave birth to the two youngest religions, but like all youngsters they adapted quickly to the world around them, immediately seeing the advantages overlooked by their elders. In this case – weapons of mass destruction. In the spirit of myopic religions, consider this an EMC: E-mail of Mass Correction.

Similar to Nicolas Cage’s career, travel spam is principally annoying because of how heavily it indulges in clichés. A great word or sentence works once, possibly twice. Period. When you read an innocent, good-natured phrase like, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m here!” it isn’t necessarily a cliché, but when you read it in 432 e-mails, well, like, it is.

If you’re stumped for original thought, the easiest way to sneak in some cliches is to change all of your exclamation marks to periods. Exclamation marks should be reserved for YELLING! Backpacking in Asia does not guarantee enlightenment nor grant eloquence nor make a dull person interesting, and over-using exclamation marks only reveals this truth. The fact that Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad and Ghandi all saw the light in hot parts of the world doesn’t mean that everyone will. Their geography was a coincidence — there isn’t elixir in the water, just Giardia.

Specifically, posts like the following should be avoided:

“This is SO COOL! I can’t believe I’m here! I arrived yesterday and jetlag combined with this heat SUCKED! BUT! This morning I’m feeling better – hey, I’m writing you all an e-mail, aren’t I? – and I’m looking forward to this adventure with all my heart! I met the coolest guy from Liechenstein last night, and we’re gonna go to the Averii Wyetee Vizzits temple today. It’s 3000 years old!”

Wowee.

There is one exception: http://colichai.blogspot.com/

Here endeth the lesson.

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